Jerry Springer Guests Wanted

Guest wanted for the Jerry Springer show.
Read the requirements listed below.
Must be half crazy or totally insane.
Free of any dignity. A less than normal brain.

Must be deranged. Should be angry and loud.
Must be annoying—stand out in the crowd.
Swearing and insults must come without thinking.
Just before showtime, you must do some drinking.

You have to throw punches, kick faces, pull hair.
You must remain conscious once hit by a chair.
Must welcome insults from Springer and guests.
Must be unsightly. Come sloppily dressed.

Have no idea of the meaning of pride.
Enjoy looking foolish when most folks would hide.
You must have a story, outrageous at least.
We’re looking for animals, freakshows and beasts.

If you fit the picture, almost to a tee,
You have our regards and our deep sympathy.
Send us your story, despite its degradings.
So long as it helps us achieve our high ratings.